New Years. The start of new beginnings and hope. As the snow falls and the air cools we find ourselves working on our new years resolutions, preparing ourselves for the countdown to new beginnings and happiness. Every year we ready ourselves for this new chapter in our life; to excel, to forgive and to create a better future. For a fresh start. And every year my resolutions seem to say the same – lose weight, become an artist and writer, travel more, get a boyfriend (mission accomplished) and create a life of my own and every year little by little I started to realize that my resolutions have become more of a mission statement.
About two years ago I found myself at a low point in almost every aspect of my life. No job, failed school, tensions with loved ones were high, a torn heart. A week before my birthday I realized that people aren’t always who they seem no matter how much you think you know them. I knew people lied and cheated and used others but I had never let that deter me from the hope of love because I always had my guard up. Nothing could hurt me because I knew never to take life seriously. It wasn’t until I found myself alone with everything in pieces that I realized that I put so much of myself into others that I never really put myself first. I did what others wanted, went where they wanted but that had never bothered me before because if they were happy then I was happy.
When everyone was gone something changed.
I moped and sulked but then one day something clicked. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I became stronger, selfish even. I booked a tattoo appointment for my birthday and got my family together for dinner. I started going for runs and got a new job and started saving. I started going out again, not worrying about trying to impress anyone. I started dressing for myself and started reading again.
I fell in love with myself. I did what I wanted and wasn’t afraid of judgement anymore.
It was the best year of my life. I stared working for Cirque Du Soli and made myself come out of my shell and in return I met so many interesting and lovely people who to this day make me smile just at the thought of the times we had. I booked myself a trip to Europe alone; having grown tired of waiting for someone to go with me. I went to the Electric Daisy Carnival in Vegas and had the time of my life. In July after I got back it was like the job that I had wanted for two years was waiting for me. The cherry on top was I would be working with my cousin who is more like my other half, how amazing is that? Its there that I met the love of my life.
Within two months of dating he followed me to Europe, meeting me in Cologne, Germany in the bar cart. When he and my mom left I was alone for two weeks and I have never grown so much. I met lifelong friends from all over the world and knew that I could be happy on my own.
It was in December, somewhere in Budapest, that I realized I was no longer the person I was a year prior. I was more confident and unafraid of being alone. And when i started loving myself I found the love that I deserved.
And while I’m still trying to figure out my life and how I am going to make my dreams a reality I know that my family and friends will always be there for me not matter what bumps in the road I may encounter.
So for this New Years here is my mission statement:
- I am going to work harder towards my goals
- Focus on what I want and how I’m going to accomplish it, not what’s preventing me from it
- To stop holding myself back with self-doubt
- To let the past be the past and move forward
- Focus on my fitness and health rather than weight
- Travel more and often
- Better myself as an artist through practice and patience
- To become the person I envision, without fear of judgment
Cheers to the next chapter